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Seven Hilarious Quotes That Will Make You Wash Your Hands Before Hooking Up
Let me set the scene: You’re right on the cusp of a hookups, You’re on the couch, or the bed, doesn’t matter – all that matters is that you’re making out with each other. Making out super hard. With the passion of a thousand suns and a furious intensity that would make your forefathers drop their corncob pipes and blush. Right now, the whole universe is a pair of lips attached to yours.
And then you remember your hands. Right! I have hands! Dude. I should use them, So you start creeping those fingers of yours towards the Underwear Zone. Its… Fingering Time•.Â
But wait. When was the last time you washed your hands? This afternoon, right? And trimmed your fingernails? Last… Tuesday probably? Who even cares?you think. We’re both horny, and the moment is magical. Let’s create a monument to human love that will last for centuries. Or at least hopefully I’ll make her orgasm.Â
Well this article for Women’s Health Mag looks at the state of dudes’ hands when they finger women. And, we’ll be honest with you, it’s not pretty. Let’s take a look at what these guys had to say when interviewed:
The Magic Germ-Free World
“It never occurred to me to wash my hands and now I’m faintly mortified. I wash my hands every time I enter a house so I feel sooooort of covered. Sex just feels like a magic world where germs don’t exist and nothing is disgusting.†— Scott, 29
The Spontaneous Lover
“No. I do not wash my hands immediately before. Much like I don’t run to the bathroom to brush my teeth immediately before kissing her, or interrupt a spontaneous couch session to sterilize my dick with Purell. ‑Hang on a sec, gurl—let me boil this D real quick.†I find this to be unromantic, impractical, and generally useless given the realities of sterile technique.†— Chris, 32
“From Something Gnarly”
“I never thought about it, so no, I don’t. Unless I’m particularly gross from being outside or handling something gnarly, but then it’s probably more of a ‘I’m going to take a shower before we get naked’ versus ‘I’m going to wash my hands’ before fingerblasting you long enough for one of us to go down on the other one.†— Dale, 30
“A Blind Faith In The Natural Cleaning Powers Of A Vagina”
“Hand-washing before sex is not something I think of as vitally necessary, like a condom. I guess I tend to operate with a blind faith in the natural cleaning powers of a vagina. The best I can say for myself is that I make sure my nails are trimmed.†— Steven, 35
Mr. Subway Pole Germs
“I guess there’s probably been a time when I introduced subway pole germs directly into a vagina, which is horrifying. Then again, not sure how dirty some of the hands to touch my dick have been, so I’m not going to beat myself up too much.†— Mike, 31
The Post-Jalapeño Incident
“I had a post-jalapeño incident a long time ago that seemed like a real game-changer, but in general I am maybe a little embarrassed to admit that I don’t go wash my hands beforehand. It will sometimes end up that I have indeed just washed my hands, but not due to a concerted effort that I can remember. It has also never been requested.†— Jon, 34
The General Muck
“I usually wash up before coming out of the bathroom, or after cooking, or after anything with obvious dirt/germ ramifications. But I’ve never isolated the finger(s) for special sanitizing or treated the act with particular care, like a surgeon in the surgery room putting on gloves, etc. So the general muck from handling a computer or phone or a remote could be a problem.†—Thomas, 36
The good news? You’re…probably OK. Because vaginas actually are Self-cleansing, to a point. But since antibacterial soap can mess with a vagina’s natural pH balance, the big takeaway here is just to wash your hands right. after you do anything gross, not right before you touch a vagina.
Oh, and also: Trim and clean your nails. Regularly. Because scratching her down there and getting nasty gunk in the cut is not just a one-way ticket to Infection City, it’s also a major strike if you’re hoping to be invited back to the Underwear Zone for Fingering Timeâ„¢ again.Â
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